Today the lady at Chick-Fil-A handed me my food and then said, “Are you ok?”
I faked a smile, said “Yes, thank you” and drove away. The second I pulled away from that window, I was sobbing.
She had heard my baby crying in the backseat and must have noticed my tired expression through the oversized sunglasses. My ordering a coffee at 12:30 in the afternoon probably gave it away too. When she asked if I was ok, I should have said No.
I should have let it out. Been a little vulnerable, even with a stranger. That would have served me better. But I tried to mask my crazy with waffles fries. I should have said:
No, I’m not ok. My baby has been crying for an hour and I can’t soothe her. I’m starving. None of my clothes fit the way they used to. I snapped at my husband today for no reason. I’m just trying to get home, but as soon as I walk through the door I’ll be met by the mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen and a broken toilet. I’d love to be OK, but right now I’m just not.
Maybe that is a little too much for the cheerful lady at the drive thru. But after my cryfest in the car and some comfort food, I felt better. I talked out loud to myself (I think we’ve already established I’m a tad unstable) and finally took a deep breath. I needed someone to see me and in that moment, she saw me.
I’m learning it’s OK to not be OK. When you try to do everything, you end up succeeding at exactly zero things. This is merely a season. Today I’m just trying to brush my teeth and shower. Tomorrow I might do the dishes or I might not. I might check emails or I might take a nap. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, whether it’s school or work or a crying baby – you’re not alone. I felt alone but my Jesus chicken guardian angel reminded me I am not.
Right this moment my baby girl is finally sleeping and I’m watching Netflix while finishing my coffee. I didn’t think we would make it to this peaceful moment today but here we are. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe not, but at least there’s coffee and waffle fries.